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Life Rant.

I’ve felt heavy stress this entire week. Nothing in the past month has felt right except last weekend. Thats the most right my life has felt in a while. I want to live a life I’m proud of. I don’t want to be stuck at Lake Point making barely over minimum wage for the rest of my life. I don’t want to live in a disintegrating rental across from my mom for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to live a double life. I don’t want to feel apathetic about things anymore. I wish I could do the things I love doing and be able to have a job. I want to do things I’m passionate about. I want to live passionately and be with people I’m passionate about. I go through this every few months. I need changes.
I’m worried that my decision to do something which is high in demand and pays well might not be the right choice. I wonder if I set up a mental block against the medical field because my mother is an RT and wanted me to do something similar ever since I can remember. It scares me that I might hate my job for forever.
It also scares me that I might stay with someone forever just because I’m used to them. It sucks so bad not wanting to see or talk to or spend time with someone. It sucks to fuss and fight about everything because you disagree on everything. It sucks for someone not to occupy your mind all the time except late at night when you’re dreading a phone call. And it sucks even more that you can’t even bring that person around your friends.
I want to travel and explore and go hiking and camping and live a life I’m proud of with accomplishments and goals and dreams. Every few months I just want to pack up what I have and leave. Does that mean I’m unhappy with my life? Does it mean I haven’t found peace with myself? Am I jealous of the bliss others seem to feel? The freedom? Or all they just like me? Waiting to stumble into something immaculate. Waiting for their life to come together. Or even waiting to make sense.
I think I’m seriously considering moving out of the state. Taking my two year PT Aid course and leaving. Completely starting over. I know my mind will change places 1,000 times but I think it will ultimately be for the best.

Drained, exhausted, praying he’s not lying because I don’t have the strength to say no.

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Fireburnsinsideme.tumblr.com

Sunday will be my last pack of cigarettes. I say this because were partyin Saturday night and I know I will want to smoke then.
Monday starts a new week. Monday, Audrey and I will start Insanity. I don’t even give a fuck if she sticks with it or not I’M doing this. I’m GOING to send in my college application. I’m GOING to learn to meditate. I’m GOING to start eating good things. I’m GOING to learn yoga and do it everyday. I’m GOING to start focusing more energy on hobbies.
I’m going to write a song. I’m going to read books. I’m going to finish a scarf. I’m going to get outside more. I’m going to go to bed early (although that three hour time difference makes that kinda hard). I’m going to keep my room clean. I’m going to save money.

This is the summer of changes. Chances.

I have failed an attempt already this week. I don’t like my lifestyle anymore. I don’t like having negative energy around me all the time. I don’t like the sense of dread when I answer the phone. I don’t like not having the energy to get out of bed. I don’t like regretting decisions immediately after making them. I don’t like being held down.

I told Corey that I was hanging out with Jesse yesterday. He wasn’t thrilled but told me to be careful and to have a good time anyway. That boy is a saint. A godsend.

Ugh…

I feel completely stupid wanting to be with someone whom I’d only get to see twice a year. But I feel it more every day, so it must not be stupid. Long distance relationships suck but I kinda think they’re the most honest form of relationships because you end up falling in love with the person and loving them for who they are truly. You don’t fall in love with how they look or dress, you don’t fall because of the sex. It’s perfect only they aren’t there all the time. Sigh. I’ll be the absolute happiest girl on the face of the planet when he flies out. Until our next Skype date, darling…